My Dearest Brianna,
I will never be able to express my great love for you in words. Every single cell in my body aches to be in your company. It is hard to believe that it has been a little over a month now since you left this mortal existence. I miss you so very much. You are my better half and I miss your sweet smile, you tender love and your gentle heart. You are by far my better half. I am who I am today because of your sweet love and kindness towards me. You taught me how to laugh and love and how to become the very best for you as your husband and as a father to our children. I am eternally grateful that I have you as an eternal companion. You bring me joy. You are my happiness.
Brianna, I write to you now. These letters will be written with the intention to keep you up with what is going on in our lives. The truth is writing has always been my way of expression. As difficult as it can be at times, writing lets me dive within my very soul and express my true feelings. I am not always the best at words but I feel on the pages I find my inner voice. I write to you my eternal bride. I write so that together we can cope and accept the will of the Lord for us at this time. I write for our children, that they may know you and feel your endless love for them. It is my hope that through these letters that we will find peace, joy and ultimately healing through the trial we call life.
In November 2018 we had your last MRI, which showed that your cancer had progressed throughout your brain. I was devastated. Although I knew this was a possibility, the truth is I wasn't ready for that moment to be so soon. There were so many things I still wanted to experience with you. There was so much I still wanted to do with you. Unfortunately our time was shortened but you faced it with such courage. You never stopped loving and never stopped trusting in the Lord. I learned so much from you Brianna. You are a stalwart servant of the Lord. I am eternally grateful that I am your companion and that I have the sacred opportunity to learn with you throughout the eternities. We met with the oncologist to discuss the possibility of chemotherapy and you were ready and willing to give it a shot. After several difficult discussions with the doctors and after much fasting and prayer wrestling with the Lord, we decided to forgo chemotherapy, as the benefits were low due to the cancer spreading as fast as it did. The decision was made to begin Hospice. Brianna, this was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my life. I knew that this meant we were truly going to start preparing for the inevitable outcome. Not everyone was happy with this decision but I know, my sweet bride, that we made the best decision to help us all find the peace we needed prior to your passing.
Nurses came throughout the week as well as patient caretakers to help with your bathing but the truth is, hospice wasn't what we were expecting. Most of your care taking fell on family, which was a sacred privilege for each of us to have an opportunity to serve you. You always had a smile on your face and you were so grateful for everything we did. This was a difficult as we all watched as you continued to decline. I found peace with your family and am so grateful that we were able to come together and find it in ourselves to forgive each other so we could be together as a family and be strengthened during this time. Each day I had to make difficult choices like whether we should continue giving certain medications, taking care of certain things likes bathing, and whether we would continue to push food and drinks or not.
While all of this was going on, I was looking for a job as my job in College Station was in jeopardy. I found and accepted a new job in Corpus Christi with Christus Health. I accepted the new position on January 25, 2019. I informed my employer and they gave me one week. My last day was on February 1, 2019. At the time, this seemed like an additional trial to have no paycheck while I waited my new start date on February 18, 2019. However, this may have been one of the greatest tender mercies the Lord gave us as a family. This allowed me to be home with you and the boys but more importantly to be with you as you prepared to return home.
On Thursday January 31, 2019 you stopped eating food. I didn't know it then but this would be your last meal. Friday February 1 you stopped taking fluids except a syringe of water here and there. Saturday February 2 may have been one of my best days with you that we had in a long time. You had been so weak for so long but you seemed a little more chipper and you were able to tell me you loved me one more time. It will be a memory forever burning in my mind. It was a beautiful moment to hear your sweet love one more time. Saturday night you appeared to slip into a coma but by Sunday afternoon you were out of it again. I asked family to watch the boys so I could spend every moment with you by your side. I didn't want to let go. I spoke of sweet memories and laughed and cried. I asked family and friends to come and say goodbye, which was very emotional for me. Each person that entered your room assured you that they would take good care of the boys and me and I knew that they would. More importantly, I knew that you would take care of them and assure them that all would be well. Even in your "weakest" state, you were stronger than anyone I have ever known. It encourages me to push harder and become someone so much better for you. Tuesday, Feb 5 2019 you slipped into a coma again. You started having a fever of 101 and your breathing seemed to gradually get worse. I could tell we were getting closer and that time would be limited.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019 will be a day I never forget. I woke up and you had a fever of 104.5 but you felt cold. Your breathing was very rapid. I turned on Pandora to have hymns playing in the background all morning. I had this overwhelming feeling that you would be crossing the veil soon. Truby, the hospice nurse arrived at 9:30 am. She also felt that it wouldn't be much longer, maybe a few hours. I attempted calling your parents but was not able to get them. I texted your families to let them know they needed to say their final goodbyes if they wanted to. Ricky and Chelsie called to say goodbyes. It was a tender moment and I could feel that we were all so close in that moment. They have helped me so much Brianna. They are true warriors. I am so grateful we were able to get to know them through all of this. I have come to truly love and respect them. Then Justin called to speak to you. He assured you that he and Momo would do anything to take care of me and that they would be by my side on this side of the veil as you would be on the other side of the veil. Justin reassured you that it would be okay and then he testified of the love of our Savior Jesus Christ and bore powerful witness that He lives and loves you. In tears, Truby and I administered some medicine to help you become more comfortable with your breathing. Truby left and it was just us. I held your hand and was by your side. I thought that you might want to be alone so I told you I was going out for a bit. I came back in and I could feel that you wanted me by. I came into the room and lay in the bed next to you with my head on your shoulder. Your breathing started to slow and soon you took your final breath. My heart broke. I couldn't believe you were actually gone. You were finally free from pain and sorrow and you could run and dance again!
Some say that the spirits of those who die remain near for several hours following their death. I felt great peace knowing you were not near. I knew you had been welcomed back by many who loved you and although I was saddened to not feel your presence, I knew that you were filled with joy and surrounded by those who loved you. I spent the next 20 minutes with you alone. I just wanted to be with you by myself. It was a difficult time but I wanted to just have you all to myself. My brain then went into process mode (like it normally does as you are aware) and I started going down my checklist. Call the parents and let them know of your passing, call each sibling individually to let them know, inform the bishop, call to order the casket, call hospice to let them know and try to keep breathing. It wasn't long for my mom and hospice to be at the door. Truby started charting and getting things ready for the funeral home while I continued to finish my checklist. The funeral home director showed up and prepared your body and invited me to say goodbye in the home one last time. Even now I tear up thinking of that moment. This would be the last time I would see you in our home. This would be the last time I would tell you I love you in our home. This was the last time for a lot of things. I lost it and started crying. The funeral home director just held me in his arms. I was informed that I would need to go and finalize funeral plans that afternoon if we were to have the funeral on Saturday.
Brady Hodges and Jensen Hayter came to visit me that afternoon. Everything felt so surreal. I told them the best way to explain it was like zoning out emotionally. You know how when you zone out you can hear everything but your mind is elsewhere. I felt that I had zoned out emotionally. I knew you were gone but my spirit yearned to be with you. I felt lost without you and honestly I still do. I couldn't find my car keys, which ended up being a good thing because Jensen was able to take me to the funeral home. I really didn't need to be driving alone anyway. Isn't it funny how the Lord knows what we need even when we don't know we need something? At the funeral home we confirmed the plans for your funeral, which was a very emotional time by the way! We will have a talk about you putting me through that when we see each other again!!! The funeral director went to tally the total and came back and told me it would be $10,000 not including the casket. I pretty much expected that and knew I would figure that all out eventually. He then began to cry, which led to more crying on my part. He informed me that several donors had called throughout the day and that I would only be responsible for a portion of that cost. I LOST IT. I knew you would take care of me but I never expected that. I have never felt so touched. Brianna, we will never be able to repay all the love that has been shown to us. We have been forever blessed and I am so grateful for the love that has been shown us.
That night, I took the boys home and explained to them that you wouldn't be coming home and that you were in Heaven with Jesus. I was terrified to be alone in our home. I knew that I would have to walk to the bedroom and sleep without you. I knew that I would have to start to breath without you and I would have to face my fear of being without you alone. (I know you are always there and always with me but you know what I mean) I could barely sleep. I just couldn't believe that you were gone. It was a long night to the rest of my life without you. If I knew my final day, I would be counting down every second till I see you again.
We held your viewing on Friday night at the church. It was a wonderful turn out. So many people came to say their goodbyes. I was touched at how much of your family was able to make the trip. I knew how much you meant to them and I am so grateful they were able to be there. It was an emotional night. Not everything was perfect but I was with you and that was all that mattered. To be honest, I felt more lost without you that night than I have any other night so far. Almost everyone was there with his or her loved ones to say goodbye. I felt like a huge part of my life was missing and the truth is sweetie, I didn't know how to be around others without you. I know you always felt I was the "crowd pleaser" but the only reason I was so good at being with others is because I had you. You gave me strength and courage and love to be with others and I just felt lost without you by my side.
We held your funeral service on Saturday. Not to toot my own horn but it was perfect Brianna. We held the actual service at the church. There were several beautiful musical numbers. One of them touched me because they could barely make it through the song they were so emotional. Music has always been a love of ours and it just touched me. Richelle gave the eulogy, Justin said a few words and read my poem, Teresa spoke about the wonderful plan of salvation and President Sharp said some touching words. The chapel was filled with people who had been changed and touched by your love. We then traveled to Athens for the burial. I love the cemetery there because it is in the middle of nowhere and is so peaceful and quiet. There is great peace there and I know you will love visits there. Watson had a hard time seeing you lowered into the ground but he was okay once you were buried. I think it really helped him find closure. If you ask him, he will say you are in heaven with Jesus. Saying goodbye was really hard for me. I let my dad just hold me as I cried. I didn't want to leave Brianna. I wasn't ready to face the world without you but I knew I had to for the boys.
Family and friends started trickling out of town but Justin stayed a week to help me with the boys and pack up the house. Incredibly we were able to get it packed and into the garage in a week. I am so grateful that he could stay and take care of me and the boys as promised. It was a tough week without you, especially as family and friends left. I took Justin to the airport on Sunday and headed to Corpus Christi alone for my first week on the job. I stayed in a hotel and to be honest, although I was in this beautiful town with the ocean, all I could do each night was go to the room and think about you. I missed you so much and I just couldn't get out much. I was able to find a home for us to rent. The boys and grandma would love the place I found. It even has a man cave! haha you would love it. It has a pool table and we could play all the time!! I headed back home on Friday and spent the weekend with the boys. I then headed to Athens Sunday and visited your grave. I spent a long time there and planted some flowers. I just kept talking to you. Even now I can tell I have so much I want to tell you! I have moments during the day where I want to go and share something with you and realize you aren't here (but I tell you anyway haha) Monday I headed to Dallas for some training for the week. It was a much better week surrounded by Friends/colleagues. I was grateful for that!
Thursday I headed back to College Station to be with the boys, pack and move to Corpus. We packed the truck Thursday night and managed to get everything in the truck! Friday morning we finished packing the little things as well as packing up mom as she is going to live with us for a while to help out and let me get my feet settled. We started what should have been a four-hour drive to corpus and took 7 hours! However we got to the house here and unloaded it in less than 2 hours. I was really proud of my packing job. You would be proud of me! I have just about unpacked everything and we are settling in nicely here. You would love it here baby. You would love the beach, the weather and the atmosphere. I am loving my new job as a process engineer with Christus and I feel that this is definitely where we are meant to be. The ward is splendid and everyone is taking care of me. Don't worry! I promise we are okay. I mean I miss you every moment of every day but I am taking good care of myself and more importantly I am taking good care of the boys! I will take care of them sweetie. I will teach them of you and we will be reunited as a family again some day! I can't wait.
I know what you are wondering. How am I really doing? That is a difficult question sweetie. The honest truth is it is a continual roller coaster of emotions. I constantly wonder what more I could have done for you. I wonder how I could have been a better husband towards you. I think about all the shortcomings I have and why you would have ever chosen to be with me. I wonder if I had had more faith would you have been healed. I wonder if you know I love you and if you know I will always love you. I wonder how I am ever going to face this cruel world without you. I wonder how I am going to raise the boys in righteousness and help them choose the right. I wonder how I am going to help them feel your love and know how much you loved them. I wonder how I could possibly love again. I wonder how I will manage all of this and endure to the end. I wonder if you will still want me after this life. I often ponder on these things and many other things as well as taking care of the boys and doing my job. I try to keep a smile on my face and not seek attention. It is very awkward at times having to explain that you died and it feels weird at times. It still feels unreal at times and sometimes I just cry because I miss you.
I also think about how grateful I am for YOU. How grateful I am for the 6 beautiful years we had together and for the eternities we have to look forward to after this life. I am grateful for our two beautiful boys who emulate you in every single way. I am grateful that I can see you in them and that when I look at them I can see your sweet love. I am grateful for the knowledge that we are FOREVER. That nothing, not even death can separate us. We are immoral beings having a mortal experience. I am grateful that your mortal suffering has come to an end, even though it caused my mortal suffering to be worse ;) I am grateful for the knowledge that you are watching over the boys and me. I went to the temple while in Dallas. I could feel you there and I am so grateful I could feel you so close. I know that I am not alone and I know that you are here.
I know that God lives and that He is indeed our loving Heavenly Father. I know that He has a Plan of Happiness for us. Before this world was created, there was a plan for all of God's children to return to His presence. We had to leave to learn and grow but we have an opportunity to return home to our Father in Heaven. This is only possible because of our Savior Jesus Christ. I know He lived and that He still lives. I know that the atonement was not only for our sins but also for our suffering. I have witnessed the power of the atonement and felt the healing power of the Savior. I have witnessed His love and I will not deny that Christ lives. I know without a doubt, just as we know the sun will rise tomorrow, that God lives and loves us. I know that we will be together again one day. I know that Families are Forever and that we will embrace each other in our arms again soon. I know that as we Trust in the Lord, we will find peace and joy. As we doubt not and fear not, we can and will be filled with faith and we will find greater joy than this world can offer.
My sweet Brianna, I miss you and I love you. I know when you are near because my spirit yearns to be with you. Thank you for loving me and showing me how to be a better man.
Until we meet again. Come what may and love it. With ALL my love,
Geoffrey Geddie
P.s here is a song that has brought me peace recently
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