Giving Up...

Time is a fascinating thing. Somedays, it feels like time stops and yet other days it feels as though time fast forward faster than we ever wanted it to. Time truly is a remarkable thing. We yearn for more time but we also yearn for it to speed up. We tend to never be grateful for the time we have right now.

It is hard to believe that it has been a year since Brianna's diagnosis. It feels like just yesterday we were at the Mayo Clinic trying to figure out what was going on with Brianna. Oh how the time has passed by. Our lives changed forever when she was diagnosed with cancer. There is not a single day that goes by that we don't think about how much has changed. There are good days and there are bad days. Some days we love and enjoy every moment. Other days we struggle to find peace with the situation. Brianna's life has forever been changed by the cancer. It has changed her physically and mentally. It has taken its toll on her. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to watch. She feels trapped in a broken body but she keeps going every day and that is something remarkable. Brianna still has her weakness in her right hand and leg. She struggles with her balance most days. She actually has been struggling more lately with her balance. It is not uncommon for her to fall almost daily. Sometimes it is just a fall onto the couch or the bed but other days it is a complete fall onto the floor. Most times she gets by without any injuries and other times she gets pretty hurt. She recently had a fall and landed poorly on her right foot. It is pretty bruised and sprained right now. I know that only makes it harder for her. I do everything I can to encourage her and uplift her. She is tired a lot and feels like she doesn't always have the strength to do what she wants. With all that said, we are still trying to find peace and happiness and enjoy our lives together with our two beautiful sons.

Watson and Eli are doing very well. Watson has started to show his personality as well as test the boundaries his parents give him. We still love him though. Eli is growing up so fast. Hard to be live Eli is about to be 1 and Watson about to be 3. Eli is crawling all over the place and pulling himself up anytime he gets the chance. It won't be long until he is walking. Both the boys are growing too fast and I feel I never get enough time to just stop time and enjoy each minute with them.

Brianna continues to take her protocel. She stopped taking the enzymes because she didn't feel they were helping and she disliked having to take them when she did. She seems happier when she is off them as she gets tired of having to remember to take them so often. We are also trying to have a good balance with sugar. We don't eat it all the time but I do make cookies occasionally and she seems to like that. We had an interesting conversation last night. She asked me if I am having to get to know her all over again. She recognizes that some things have changed and she isn't exactly who she used to be. I told her it does feel like that at times. The truth is, it is like falling in love with her all over again. I don't always handle the stress of my life very well and I know I don't tell her enough but I love her so much and I hate that this happened to her. I wish it were me instead. I wish I could take it all away. Unfortunately that is not the ability I have. I am amazed at how she continues to push forward each day. I know she struggles most days because she feels trapped in broken body but she tries to stay positive and she doesn't really let it ever get to her. I am grateful for her in my life and I know that I have become a better person because of her. I know that we are forever and I am so happy to have her in my life.

Brianna has another scan at the end of the month. We are hoping for some good news! We are a little concerned with her falling lately. It would be nice if there were any explanations for that. She definitely seems weaker in some areas but my guess would be the scan is similar to the last one. We have set her up with physical therapy again so hopefully that will really help her to stop falling! I have a new job and the new location is a lot closer to home so that should really help her not feel so tired having to get to physical therapy let alone all the therapy she will be doing! I am hoping this will be really beneficial for her and allow her to regains some of her strength.

For a while over the last year, we both kind of gave up. We both felt that nothing was going to ever get better and we fell in the trap of self pity. We often felt why try when it isn't ever going to get better. Why push ourselves when nothing we do really matters. We both want this to be over and just be able to move past this. We often wonder what the end result will be and if she will actually win this fight. You may be thinking how could we ever think that and why would we think those thoughts. The truth is, it went through our minds a lot. We often wonder what life will look like 5 years from now. Will Brianna be better? Will she be the same? Will she be worse? Will she still be here? Unfortunately these thoughts came into our lives and we allowed them to take over. We felt like giving up and not even trying. It is impossible to share my feelings through words to truly describe how we felt. We felt as though we had lost everything and our hearts were heavy with the weight of what we have been given.

As we continued each day at a time, we finally realized that this is not what we are meant to be. We are children of God and He loves us as we are. He doesn't expect us to be perfect and He loves us no matter what. He never said this life would be easy. He never said we would walk through life unscathed. We were never promised an easy life. We were promised a beautiful opportunity to love, to learn, and to better understand His love and grace. We are so grateful for the life we have together and with our children. We are so grateful for this blessed opportunity to learn together. Although it isn't easy at times, we are grateful for who we are becoming. We are both learning on a daily basis and becoming better because of it. We are grateful for blessings in disguise. We listen to some of our church leaders and they said that asking why doesn't change the circumstances but makes us question who we are in relationship to Heavenly Father. We choose to no longer give up. We are going to continue this fight and enjoy each day as we are granted one. There is no reason to give up or give in. We trust the Lord and we will continue to stand firm in the faith that God is our loving Heavenly Father and that Jesus Christ knows our pain and suffering. We know that there is nothing we can' overcome with the Lord. We are blessed to have this knowledge and we know it to be true.

"Still Here, Still Trying"

~The Geddie Family

P.S. I will be doing an interview with Brianna for the next Blog Post so please comment below any questions you may have. THANKS!